Tips to Surviving the SGC
by StarSplit144
Summary: A list was started. How to Survive the SGC. Pretty much says it all.
1. Chapter 1

_Some random little thing that I thought up when I was bored. I guess it's end of season 8ish. Around there anyways. I'm not picky about time really, I just don't have any season 9 references. _

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Some years ago, a list was started up to be given to all new SGC personnel. It grew over the years, new pieces being added by anyone who wanted to. It contained rules, tips, advice, and anything else that people felt like adding.

This is the most recent version:

**How to Survive the SGC**

**Note: This list is never to be shown to any member of SG-1**

**Note: General O'Neill counts as member of SG-1**

Never leave a man (or woman) behind. Ever.

Colonel Carter is not available. Ever. Even if you managed to escape the habit most of her boyfriends have of dying, you will subsequently be killed by all of the SGC personnel who will lose all of their money in the betting pools. And if you avoid them, you will be killed by General O'Neill. And if you avoid him, you will be killed by rabid shippers.

Never take the last bowl of blue jello, piece of pie, or cake, or the last cup of coffee.

Be very sceptical if anyone tells you that any member of SG-1, especially Dr. Jackson, is dead. Even if they are, they won't stay dead long, and you will just be making a fool of yourself.

Never call a member of the Tok'ra a Goa'uld. Technically they are, but never let them know that you know. By extension, General O'Neill is the ONLY person who can get away with calling them Snakeheads. Don't try it.

Alien influence is an excuse for anything.

Laptops interface with all alien technology.

If MREs taste like chicken, they are something completely different.

Using the Stargate does not make people Gods.

Knives penetrate Goa'uld personal shields. They can also come in handy in many other situations.

If a culture on a planet have something against one sex, or race etc. GET OUT!

Don't go around sticking your head into anything that looks like it could grab you and stick knowledge in your head.

Never let Dr. Jackson have more than one bottle of beer. Unless you are very bored, and feel like being entertained.

Do not call the doctor a Napoleonic Power Monger. Only General O'Neill can get away with that.

Do not avoid post-mission medicals.

Cute kids aren't always as innocent as they look.

If you are stuck in a time loop and are one of the only people who remembers, have fun.

Don't make Yu jokes. You will be killed. They've all been done. All of them.

Never trust a Goa'uld.

If you can't find Dr. Jackson, he's in the infirmary.

If you can't find Colonel Carter, she's in her lab.

If you can't find General O'Neill, he's in Carter's lab flirting with her.

If you see Pete, shoot him. You will be doing everyone a favour.

Never mention the betting pools to any member of SG-1

If you are a scientist, do not talk to General O'Neill. It is a waste of time. The only scientists he ever listens to are Colonel Carter and Dr. Jackson. And he doesn't listen to them very much.

Don't be offended if General O'Neill calls artefacts rocks.

Don't be offended if General O'Neill calls technology doohickeys.

Don't box with Teal'c. At least not if you expect to win.

Don't play ping-pong with Teal'c. It will cause you much pain.

Don't mention the fact that Teal'c room is a major fire hazard. Everyone knows that. If you want to do something about it, go ahead.

Do not touch any facial hair Teal'c might have.

Plan A will not work

Plan B, C, and D are also unlikely to work

If you killed someone evil, they are not dead.

Teal'c knows exactly how many times SG-1 has saved the world. Ask him.

If a member of SG-1 is unconscious, you will never find them alone.\

The Tok'ra cannot survive for long without their human guinea pigs (SG-1)

Don't laugh at allergies. They can be useful.

Don't trust Kinsey.

Don't trust Maybourne.

Do not refer to Teal'c or any other Jaffa's symbiote as Junior. Only General O'Neill can get away with that, and only with Teal'c.

Archaeologists do carry guns sometimes. And they also know which end the bullets go in.

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_Well that's all I've got for now. I want suggestions, because that'll be what makes up most of any further chapters. So comment and give suggestions._


	2. Chapter 2

_Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and suggestions. Most of the suggestions made it into this chapter. I'm so glad that everyone is enjoying it. So thank you to everyone again._

Do not ask Teal'c to tell you a joke.

Do not try to make Teal'c laugh. The only thing that makes him laugh are jokes that no one else understands.

If Dr. Jackson refers to a culture as fascinating, be prepared as something bad will happen within the next five minutes

Do not mock Star Wars in Teal'c's presence unless you have a death wish

Never ask if Walter goes home...he has a camouflage sleeping bag under his console in the command room

If you see a hot female, excepting Colonel Carter, do not trust her.

If Colonel Carter shows interest in you and you are not General O'Neill, do not trust her.

If you have only military training and are not General O'Neill, then you will die.

Your chances of survival are increased if you only have a PHD, but not guaranteed (as evidence by Dr. Jackson).

If you have military training and at least one PHD, you will most likely not die for a while, and if you do, you probably won't stay dead.

Never use clichés around General O'Neill.

Never end a sentence with a preposition in front of General O'Neill, unless you want to be corrected in front of everyone.

Never make fun of the doctor's height.

**We really don't really understand the next two, but Ferreti apparently emailed them to himself, though he denies it. So we are putting them on in case someone manages to make sense of them.**

Do not joke around with Vala by making a pass at her because she'll do it.

If Daniel is drunk do not and I repeat DO NOT leave him in a room alone with Vala! He will be unable to defend himself.

If you're under attack and Colonel Carter needs to figure out/fix some technology, just yell "Carter!" and she'll do it in a second.

Be very careful with the use of the word "how"

Do not ask General O'Neill advice on crosswords. Especially physics ones.

Do not mention Tanith in Teal'c's presence.

Don't call Colonel Carter a dumb blonde. The last guy who did was shipped out to Russia, and then ended up in Atlantis.

Never tell SG-1 "no"

If you do tell SG-1 "no", under no circumstances expect them to listen.

The black saving the world outfits are only to be used when you are defying a direct order. Which is why SG-1 has so many of them.

Get out as soon as a situation becomes "squirrely".

If General O'Neill knows stuff that was in your report, something is wrong.

If you want to let General O'Neill know something, do not do it in form of a memo. He won't get it.

If a television crew is filming, try to get close enough to watch SG-1's interviews. They will be very amusing.

Listen to doctors. They are usually right.

If someone starts talking in a weird deep voice, or starts having glowing eyes, then they are most likely infested with a Goa'uld. It could be a Tok'ra, but check with them first.

Don't sit in the big chair. Dr. Jackson got shot by trainees with full powered intars last time he tried.

If you go to any alternate reality, expect General O'Neill and Colonel Carter to be married, engaged, or together in some form.

If it looks like you brought a disease that is killing of the population of some world, check for Goa'uld involvement, destroyed plant life, or anything else you can think of before blaming yourself.

High, annoying sounds can cause extreme irritability and headaches.

Pretty lights can be very addictive.

Sarcophagi can be even more addictive, and in addition will steal your soul.

If anyone had recently been in a Sarcophagus, don't trust them until they get past the withdrawal.

_Like I said, comments are what make more chapters come. Well suggestions actually. So keep them coming._


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry I didn't post for so long, but I was stuck on pathetically slow dial up. Thank you to everyone who made suggestions and comments. Comment are what makes more chapters come of this. I think that there will be either one or two more chapters of this depending on how many suggestions I get, and how many brainwaves I get._

Never say 'It's too quiet', 'What could possibly go wrong?', 'This is too easy', 'What's the worst that could happen?' etc. because that is just when something will happen.

Don't be surprised if Colonel Carter gets possessed.

If you ever do leave a man behind, you will be going back for them.

Don't suggest leaving a member of SG-1 behind anywhere, or declaring them MIA, anytime, unless you want to make a public fool of yourself.

Don't offer to ship someone the big chair. They'll make you do it.

Don't refer to the Asgard's 'little grey butts' or make any other derogatory comments towards them. Only General O'Neill can get away with that.

Just because they look like they're made of sparkly purple Lego, doesn't mean they aren't extremely dangerous.

Guns work on replicators. Zats or any other energy weapons don't. Don't flaunt this in our allies' faces.

Wizard of Oz references are exclusively SG1's property. Let them have all the trouble that comes out of using them.

General O'Neill is the only one who can mock Ba'al, or make Ba'al jokes.

Never use "I'm a cop" or anything similar as a pickup line. It will make you sound like an idiot. You will get shot.

Nanites are usually bad.

As soon as someone starts talking in the first person plural, start running away.

Black holes tend to cause more problems than they are worth. Same with gas clouds.

Never let SG1 capture a Goa'uld mothership if you expect it to get back to earth in one piece.

SG1's iris code has a habit of showing up even when they are on earth. Don't be surprised at the number of duplicates there are out there. It's SG1. Anything is possible.

Partially ascended Goa'ulds are very dangerous.

Just because someone can't be seen, doesn't mean they aren't there.

When many people are all seeing the same hallucination, there is probably an explanation for it.

Just because someone looks like someone you know, doesn't mean they are.

'Go to Sokar' means the exact same thing as 'Go to Hell'

Don't ask SG1 how many Goa'ulds they have killed. You will be there for a while.

Be very careful about bringing alien technology back to the SGC. Something will usually go wrong.

Time travel _is_ possible.

Big bugs are usually bad.

If two people start acting like each other, don't assume that they are just imitating each other.

Nothing is as it appears to be. If someone suddenly quits the SGC, check if they are being blackmailed before you resign yourself to their replacement.

If a much younger person suddenly shows up pretending to be someone you know, don't automatically assume they are lying. It could turn out to be slightly embarrassing.

It is perfectly possible for someone to have multiple personalities inside their head.

Viruses tend to get out of hand. Don't mess with the Stargate network.

If your own brain would never let you quit, then don't play virtual reality simulations.

_So you know what I want. Please comment and suggest. _


	4. Chapter 4

If General O'Neill tries to explain a situation using magnets, don't pay any attention. He just uses that to try to sound smart.

Threaten obnoxious people with lemons. Especially if they are allergic to them.

If a virus SG1 brought back starts slowly killing people in the SGC, don't blame them, it'll only make you look stupid when they save the day – again

The unstable vortex of energy is called the Kawoosh.

Never stand to close to the Stargate when it activates. Being caught in the Kawoosh will not help you fulfill any of your life's goals unless one of them happens to be to die.

Do not under any circumstances try to argue with Colonel Carter that playing with her doohickeys is not considered real fun. Only General O'Neill can do that without risk of death.

Only General O'Neill is qualified to judge whether or not to trust Maybourne on any specific day. And he's only right about half the time.

Do not touch Dr. Jackson's books. Only members of SG-1 can touch them. Sam goes for his artefacts.

Only Bra'tac is authorized to call General Hammond "Hammond from Texas" while touching his head. By extension, Bra'tac is the only one who can call General O'Neill "O'Neill of Minnesota.

Never let SG-1 hear the word "impossible.

Thor is the only one who can refer to any of Colonel Carter's ideas as "stupid".

**At this point, Ferretti started getting floods of emails from people who claimed not to have sent them. And no one understands some of them.**

Don't let Vala anywhere near anything that could be considered valuable.

Invisibility cloaks are not solely the property of Harry Potter.

Colonel Mitchell's grandmother has lots of useful advice

The Ori are bad.

If you see people with creepy blind eyes, and staffs, run.

The ancients haven't left us completely to our own devices. They just value free will, and if we feel like accidentally dooming ourselves, we can go right ahead.

Communication devices, as harmless as they sound, can be quite dangerous.

The Kawoosh is useful for some things.

Throwing bombs at stuff doesn't always help. Sometimes it can make things much worse.

Don't put two military people of the same rank, two aliens, and a civilian on the same team, and expect one person to have undisputed command.

To pass the time, exchange cooking recipes.

Colonel Mitchell doesn't get bored quite as easily as General O'Neill, but always make sure to provide him with a distraction. He seems to prefer cards to yo-yos.

Don't underestimate the power of ascended beings.

Just because mere humans can't travel between galaxies easily, doesn't mean that no one can.

Creepy eyes are just bad. Always. If eyes creep you out in any way, run away first, ask questions later.

Just because someone can perform miracles, doesn't mean you should listen to what they say.

If someone suddenly changes their allegiance, make sure they aren't having their thoughts controlled.

When using ancient communication devices to communicate with Ori villages, do not attempt to explain who you are in order to convince them that the people you inhabit are not possessed.

_Comment or make suggestions please. I know how many hits I'm getting on this thing. If you read, please just let me know if you like it. Even if you don't have suggestions, I still want to hear from you._

_I have the last chapter (which could possibly turn into two) planned out, but as long as I keep getting suggestions, I will try to add more chapters before the last. Suggestions inspire me to write more of my own._


	5. Chapter 5

_Wow. I don't know when the last time that I got so many comments was. Thank you to everyone. I'm really sorry I took so long to update, but I was once again without access to internet for quite a while. I'm starting to run dry, so if I get enough suggestions, there might be one more chapter. Maybe two if I get an overflow, since people making suggestions tends to make me think of more. So here you go. Enjoy_

If any of the scientists start reeling off a lot of technobabble, just smile, nod, and let them save the world. Unless it's Felger. In that case, tell him to go run it by Colonel Carter.

If you are told not to touch something, don't touch it.

If the natives of a planet throw a feast in your honour, don't eat anything that they haven't eaten first. Especially if it is specifically for one person.

Don't let Siler near anything that runs on electricity. Or Goa'uld technology. Or anything sharp. Just don't let him near anything or he will be injured. And if you can't help letting him near something, stay away. Far away. **NOTE: Siler objected to this being added, but he was outvoted by every single SGC personnel, including SG1.**

Ziggurats and pyramids are different.

Never as Dr. Jackson a question if you expect to go anywhere in the next few hours.

Never date Dr. Jackson unless you want to be taken as a host.

Don't tease SG-1 about Wormhole X-treme.

"The indigenous life of P3… ate my mission report" is not a valid excuse.

If there is someone invisible wandering around the base, wait until you get home to take a shower.

Don't try to punch Teal'c's Apophis symbol. He won't be hurt, but you will.

Be very wary of any planets that are in the witchcraft stage of evolution. Being burned at the stake, or drowned, or branded is not a fun experience.

_You know what I want. Even if its just to say if you like it or not._


	6. Chapter 6

_Warning: contains some minor season 10 spoilers up to The Quest (part 1)_

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Do not let Colonel Mitchell take command of missions. He tends to get people in a lot of trouble.

When in doubt, use C4

Do not mention Jaffa cakes to Teal'c. You may not have time to explain that you don't plan on eating our allies before you find yourself dismembered.

Don't even bother trying to interview Teal'c

If people have dreams that suddenly answer all of your questions, be very wary.

If someone tells you that there is a dragon, don't completely discount it.

Colonel Carter CAN play poker. She is one of the few people apart from General O'Neill who can beat Teal'c.

The Stargate does not only spin because General Hammond wanted it to.

The people in the Land of the Light are probably our favourite allies who are less advanced than us. Be nice, or the wonderful parties that they so willingly agree to host will come to an end.

If someone disappears, be sure to check the local restaurants.

Walter HAS been through the Stargate.

Everyone loves a wedding.

**All right guys. This is all very funny, and you've had your fun now. And Ferretti, do you know how pissed Carter is that you've been getting emails from the future, and haven't told her? And be quiet about Danny dying. You'll jinx him. And this probably wasn't the best way for Teal'c to find out about Jaffa cakes. If you insist on doing something like this again, I suggest you keep it off the computers. May I remind you that even if I didn't have access to the entire base network, I do have access to a brilliant computer whiz who could hack on to any of your accounts in minutes. And if you have corrupted any of the new guys, well I'll just have to shoot you.**

**General Jack O'Neill, on behalf of himself and the rest of SG-1.**

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_Well this has finally come to an end. I would like to thank all of the dedicated reviewers for taking a few seconds out of your days to review. And to those who only read, thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoyed. If you liked this, then I would love for you to read and review my other stories. They are pretty different, and mostly SamJack oriented so if you didn't like that aspect of this one, you probably won't like the rest. And last of all, please read and review for the last time._


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